I’ve been on a posting spree, as my better half has left me alone with the television and computer. This has resulted in me watching 3 baseball games (TOR v. CLE, BOS. v. LAA, NYY v. KCR), a UFC fight (St. Pierre vs. Penn II), and now Spike’s new television-awesome: Deadliest Warrior! Currently a GLADIATOR is being pitted against an APACHE WARRIOR.

Onto DEAR JOHN Letters,

Dear David Ortiz,

Remember the hole you had in your swing as a Twin? It’s back. You can’t get around like you used to, and quite frankly I’m sick of waiting around for you.  Even if you do get healthy, you’re more of a .930-.950 OPS guy now.  Maybe someone else thinks you can top 1.000, but not me.

Dear Evan Longoria,

I realize you’re young, and the best is yet to come, but I’ve got to say goodbye.  The 4 HR are nice, really, but I’m not buying your 44% HR:FB ratio.  I’m still pretty concerned about that K-Rate, too.  Maybe by the time this letter gets to you, I’ll have rethought my position.  You’re nice, but not second-round nice. x0x0x0x.

Dear Vladmir Guerrero,

Swinging at everything was cute when you were young, but I’m noticing a whole lotta grey in that beard of yours.  Like Ortiz, you’ll be useful but you’ll miss too many games to warrant your ADP.

Dear Alexei Ramirez,

Who do you think you are, Vladmir Guerrero?  Swinging at everything isn’t nearly as cute when you do it.  Baseball’s not all that easy when pitchers get the book on you, now is it?  You’ll adjust, and I’ll be sure to snap you up once your value’s hit rock bottom. Even with the small sample size, you’re 31.4 ZONE% is pretty concerning.

Dear Chris Davis,

I spent all Winter telling you that you struck out too much, and I’ve had enough.  Don’t you listen? You’ll never amount to anything if you keep up these bad habits.  All women love projects though, we like to think we can take a bad boy and turn him into a good boy. I’ll be giving you a call back once your trade-value dips low enough.

Dear Austin Kearns,

You’re half the man Elijah Dukes is, but you’re persistent as hell.  I’m sorry I have to do this, but at least your best quality is your arm — go put it to use.

Dear Justin Upton,

You’re hung like a horse, but you really need to learn how to use it. I feel violated.  I gotcha number on da speed dial though.

Dear Mark DeRosa,

Last year was great, and I love your friends in Cleveland this year, but 33-year-olds get worse with age, not better.  Sorry.

Dear Gladiator,

You lost to the Apache Warrior. I’m very dissappointed.