Sit 100 men down, and ask them for a description of their ideal women. Combine their results, and take a quick peek at the third most important quality. You know, the quality that comes right after ‘huge tits’ and right before ‘enjoys giving blowjobs’ — Yup, there it is, A Love of Sports. Personality is obviously the most important quality, right? Okay, so maybe your list is different.
Having the woman in your life loving sports is a double edged sword, or possibly a very large DAGGER. On one side, you don’t have to beg to watch the ballgame instead of House Hunters. At the same time however, if she’s just moderately knowledgeable, she’s essentially the dumb guy you call when you have an odd number of teams in your league. You know that guy, we all do; He’s the guy that drafts the home-team heroes, and BAM! Scott Rolen’s off the board in Round 3.
Yesterday I was asked to help her with a draft, which I knew would end terribly. She’s a Red Sox homer, so I basically get stuck filling in the holes between Jon Lester and Jonathan Papelbon. For the most part, I can live with most of her picks as they’re somewhat competent but once she starts scrolling down in the player rankings — Game Over.
It doesn’t matter that she’s looking at players who have an ADP of 100 at pick 40, if she sees someone she wants, she’s taking him. She’s also incredibly loyal, which I suppose is good for me, but if you treated her right last year, she’ll keep you around. Hiroki Kuroda, or “My Little Asian”, treated her incredibly well last year and like hell if she was going to let him slip past.
The categories were interesting to say the least, yet prior to the draft I was told: “Oh, they’re just standard.”
Standard they are, if the league was entitled SABRmetrics Gone Wild:
Hitting Categories: R, HR, RBI, SB, AVG plus the awesome combination of Total Hits, Slugging Percentage, On-Base Percentage and Strike-outs.
Pitching Categories: W, SV, WHIP, ERA, K and once again, there’s no reason not to throw in Innings Pitched, Holds, and Strike-out to Walk Ratio.
With 9 Hitting and 8 Pitching categories, I was already concerned with the state of the league. Dropping Total Hits, Strike-outs and Holds probably would have worked best. With Saves worth just as much as Holds, and Holds leaders generally attaining more innings and oftentimes better ratios — It was time to ignore Saves completely and draft 8th inning guys on good clubs.
Onto the Draft…
She was blessed with the second pick in your average 10 team league. Realistically, 3 people had a shot at winning this league unless someone got unbelievably lucky,
Round 1, Pick 2: Albert Pujols - It’s next to impossible to screw this up.
Round 2, Pick 19: Prince Fielder – With a CI spot, and two UTILs, it was time to load up on power early.
Round 3, Pick 22: Tim Lincecum – I would have preferred another hitter at this point, but her selection of Lincecum was quite solid.
Round 4, Pick 39: Jonathan Papelbon – She loves her Red Sox, and this is where the cursing started to come out. Some of you may not think that openly cursing at your girlfriend is something a gentleman would do, you’re probably right. That is why I kept the cursing vaguely directed, and posted many o’ hypothetical questions. All of which were answered with the response: You take this too seriously…
Round 5, Pick 42: Brian Roberts - Robert’s comes to Toronto and signs autographs each and every time. He’s one of the nicer guys in the league, and with his .800+ OPS, he’ll be useful in this league assuming he doesn’t get hurt. The cursing has stopped, and I’m no longer threatening to go home.
Round 6, Pick 59: Stephen Drew – This was a mandatory selection, because he produced for her last year. I wasn’t going to argue, as the pick has a good amount of upside. Looking back, Drew’s hatred for the free-pass may hurt him in a league like this.
Round 7, Pick 62: Adam Dunn – I like Dunn, and she’d already thrown away Strike-Outs as a category. We’re going to be having some serious issues in the Hits category though. OBP and SLG as two separate categories negate the addition of strike-outs and hits. Solid selection, I’m once again happy with her.
Round 8, Pick 79: Jay Bruce - This was my selection, and I’ve always been a fan of drafting risk around pick 60-100. If everything goes wrong, you haven’t lost the league as the Waiver Wire generally produces a couple of guys that finish between 50 and 100.
Round 9, Pick 82: John Lester – I’ve threatened to walk out again, and this time I mean it. Lester is far and away her favourite player, but I can’t help but see John Lackey, Felix Hernandez, Rich Harden, Scott Kazmir all go at least a round later. Lester should have went around the same time as Gallardo, about 3 or 4 rounds later. I’m sure I made this out to be a bigger deal than it was, and Lester could still go for some solid numbers but — ugh, I’ve packed up my stuff.
Round 10, Pick 99: Lastings Milledge – Milledge was a guy I drafted her late last year, and he somehow managed to stay on her roster the entire year. She wanted herself some Milledge, and while he’s not perfect for this league set-up, I’m once again intrigued by her team. I start unpacking my stuff….again.
Round 11, Pick 102: Edwin Encarnacion - I like Edwin, and when she said his name — I said yessir, click away. I would have been okay with Joey Votto at this spot as well, but I figured we’d save a UTIL spot for some sweet deals later in the draft.
Round 12, Pick 119: Chris Iannetta - She’s now starting to list off the positions that we need, and we’re not even halfway into the draft. I’ve completely monopolized her computer to do some pre-ranking stuff. ‘WE NEED A CATCHER!’ I’d been looking at Iannetta for a bit, so we pull the trigger.
Round 13, Pick 122: Justin Upton - We’ve sort of hit a dead-spot in the draft, and nothing is standing out. She’s looking through pictures of the players to see who looks draft worthy…I recommend Upton, and he passes the attractiveness test.
Round 14, Pick 139: Ricky Nolasco – Nolasco finished up well, and his K:BB rate makes him an incredible pick in leagues like this. She complains how ugly Nolasco is — I make the pick anyways.
Round 15, Pick 142: Zack Greinke – His downright awful spring worries me, but in any league where you get extra points for K:BB, Greinke’s a solid pick.
Round 16, Pick 159: Elijah Dukes - Ohhh, Elijah…I like that name, she says. We’ve now drafted the entire Nationals outfield, and I’m okay with that. I get the feeling that my girlfriend would be quite easily tricked into fathering yet another illegitimate child for Elijah. Thankfully, she is not pleased with Dukes’ photo, she’s actually somewhat disgusted.
Round 17, Pick 162: Matt Capps – She drafted Papelbon too damn early, so we’re committed to this whole closer thing. Capps doesn’t walk batters, which is good.
Round 18, Pick 179: Scott Baker - He’s slated to miss a couple starts, and I was fairly cheesed by Kershaw going off the board a couple picks earlier.
Round 19, Pick 182: Pablo Sandoval – I didn’t realize Sandoval had catcher eligibility in Yahoo. They must have lowered their standards, and quite frankly I am not happy about such decisions. I force feed her the pick, eventhough we drafted Iannetta earlier.
Round 20, Pick 199: Joel Hanrahan – He’s a bit wild but he’s got the gig on our favourite team this year, the Washington Nationals. I’ve started to go to the junk-pile of closers, and I’m okay with that.
Round 21, Pick 202: Fausto Carmona - It’s now pretty clear that I’ve completely stolen her computer away. It’s making some pretty ridiculous noises and it’s hot as hell, so I unplug the laptop cooling pad from my computer and stick it in hers. It’s now about 2:15 in the afternoon, and she’s yet to get out of bed. By the way, Carmona is worth the risk at this point.
Round 22, Pick 219: Khalil Greene – I’ve been hearing that we need a Middle Infielder for about 4 rounds now, but I can’t bring myself to take Theriot, Matsui, Weeks or Lowrie. I figure it’s about time to take a massive risk on the average-killer Khalil Greene. I’m banking on him hitting at least .270, anything less and we’ll just cut bait. “He looks like a serial killer,” is uttered as I click on his name and his picture pops up.
Round 23, Pick 222: Chris Dickerson – In a league where OBP, SLG, and AVG are all categories, it’s idiotic to draft someone that only steals bases. I’ve let Gomez, Bourn, and Tavares pass me by, and instead went for a handful of the potential 15/15 or 20/20 guys. Dickerson doesn’t have a spot to play on our roster, but should fit in nicely once one of the catchers is traded. For the time being, he’ll be platooned with Pablo Sandoval in our last UTIL spot.
Round 24, Pick 239: Jason Motte – Almost all of the cheap-o closers without Job Security are off the board, and no one has drafted a holds guy. At this point, I’m once again cursing the fact that Papelbon was chosen so early. Our last 4 picks should have been Bruney, Shields, Arredondo and Juan Cruz (or something like that). Instead we go for the flame thrower, Jason Motte. He’ll hurt our K:BB, but I suppose he could put everything together.
Round 25, Pick 242: Brad Ziegler - Devine’s hurt, and it looks like Ziggy has the SV opportunities. I’m figuring on getting 3 or 4 out of him before he’s converted into, or dropped for, a Holds Guy.
Round 26, Pick 259: Hiroki Kuroda - She’s literally been nagging me since Elijah Dukes to draft My Little Asian. I can’t bring myself to do it, but she’s procured the computer during one of my smoke breaks.
Round 27, Pick 261: Elvis Andrus - It’s the last round, and she likes the name Elvis. I’m not sure if we’ve punted holds, I’m not sure if anyone’s even drafted holds. J.J. Putz was drafted insanely early, and Arredondo was drafted by the only competent owner in the league. With a stacked offense in a head to head league, and A-Rod on the DL, he’ll undoubtedly abandon the 4 SP he has and just roll out solid ratio relievers, who rack up the holds.
I’m a firm believer of choosing your draft strategy based on what falls to you in the first 5 rounds. Unfortunately, after round 10 or so, you have to stick to it and there’s no going back. While Papelbon’s and Lester’s early draft spots won’t kill you, the adjustments they force you to make may end up blowing up all over your face.
There’s still a sizeable amount of SP depth floating around the Waiver Wire, and it’s going to be tough figuring out who goes where and whether or not it’s worth it at this point to pick up HOLDS guys.
fin.
